Warning: These Jokes may contain questionable language.

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Redneck Lingo
Dodge City Cowboy
Leprechaun
Pope - Gates of Heaven
Women Playing Golf
Letters to Toronto Welfare
Farmer Buys
Stupid is as Stupid Does
Interesting Facts
Farmer Sitting
Lucy & Her Cat
The Frenchman
Three Couples
Little Boy Wakes
Blond Driving
Young Guy
Couple Aged 67
Man at Confessional
Tony's Friend
Dirty Mind Test

Redneck PC Lingo

Dodge City Cowboy

One day in Dodge city a cowboy rides into town. He pulls up outside the saloon and gets off his horse. He ties the horse up and then walks round the back of it, lifts the tail and kisses the horse's backside with puckered lips. He then walks into the saloon.

Across the street an old timer can't believe what he's just seen so he rushes across and bursts into the saloon where he sees the cowboy drinking at the bar.

"Hey mister," he says. "Did I just see you kiss that hoss' ass?"

"Yep."

"If you don't mind me askin'. Why d'ya do that?"

"Cos I got chapped lips," replies the cowboy.

"And kissin' your hoss' ass cures chapped lips?"

"Nope," says the cowboy, "but it sure stops you lickin' them."


Kelly

Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my
pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your
sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Pope - Gates of Heaven

The pope dies at a ripe old age and arrives at the gates of heaven. He is met by St. Peter and taken directly to meet with the Lord. The Pope is quite nervous to say the least. But, all his fears are calmed when he walks into the Holy City and a thankful God is there to great him.

The Lord thanks him profusely for all his assistance on earth and asks if there is anything at all the Pope would like to make the ever-after more pleasing. The Pope, taken aback by the graciousness of the Lord, is nearly speechless. Yet, he decides to mention his long felt desire to the read the original scriptures, free of human translation, written by the hand of the Lord himself.

God indicates this is an easy wish to grant, and they both are suddenly surrounded by volumes of gold covered original scriptures. God tells the pope to read until his heart is content.

After not having seen the Pope for several days, God becomes concerned and visits the reading room where he left the Pope to enjoy the scriptures. The reading room is in shambles with books torn and tattered and thrown about. The Pope is in a rage. He is screaming profanities while banging his head against the wall. There is a crumpled page of scripture in his hand.

The Lord, seeking to comfort the Pope, embraces him and asks whatever is the matter. The Pope replies in a tone of painful anguish mixed with hate "Those fucking stupid, imbecilic monks! Of all things to screw up. It says celebrate, not celibate!"

Women Playing Golf

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain". "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes." He replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Letters to Toronto Welfare

These are sentences taken from actual letters received by the Toronto Welfare department from applicants requesting assistance.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. Am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old, when do I get my money.

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you help me out?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you doing about it?

7. Please find for certain, if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything, until he finds out.

8. I am very annoyed to find that you have branded my son as illegitimate. This is a lie. I was married to his father a month after he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you will see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. I haven't any children yet. My husband is a bus driver and works day and night.

14. You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?

15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins enclosed in the envelope.

16. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he dosen't do any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

Casey

Farmer Buys

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and, exhausted, goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them to the woods again. He spends all day shagging the pigs and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

Stupid is as Stupid Does

1. Some Boeing employees stole a life raft from one of the 747s on the production line. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They no longer work at Boeing.

2. A young couple buys a new Jeep Cherokee for Christmas and drives it to visit relatives in Michigan. The guys decide to go duck hunting. So they load up the Cherokee with decoys, food, beer, guns, warm clothes, etc. and head off for the lake. The lake is frozen solid, so they drive out on to the ice and prepare to use stick of dynamite to break a hole in the ice for the decoys. One guy lights the fuse and throws the dynamite out onto the ice.

Their well-trained Labrador Retriever dashes out onto the ice and, just as he's always done before, picks up the "stick" in his mouth and runs back to the group of guys. They start yelling at the dog but, as he's played fetch so many times before, he just keeps bringing the stick back to his master.

One of the guys thinks fast and loads his shotgun, and shoots the dog. The bird shot doesn't hurt the dog much but he's confused. The guy shoots the dog again. The dog gets scared and runs, dynamite in his mouth, under the Cherokee. BOOM!

The Cherokee is now at the bottom of the lake. The insurance company won't pay up because it was destroyed due to an illegal use of explosives. The first payment of $475 was due December 15. Only 59 more to go...

Interesting Facts

*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cat's urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. (Could also be nine dimes, one quarter, and four pennies.)

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older

* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"

Farmer Sitting

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!" "Kid, that ain't why they call it chicked wire, and you can't catch chickens with it!" the farmer shouts back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in this chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "Kid, it's called duct tape...and you can't catch no ducks with it." "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow." "Hang on..." the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

Lucy & Her Cat

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with it's eyes shut and it's legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and in seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy." "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven." Little Lucy seemed to take Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her Dad came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened the Father shook the girl and shouted, "What do you mean Lucy"? "Tell Daddy! "Well, mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, oh Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming and if it hadn't for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy."

The Frenchman

Pierre, a french fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the river. Its a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's ruby lips. "What are you doing Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name in Pierre, the french fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So Marie says "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?" moans Marie. "My name is Pierre, the french fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" This answer please Marie, and as they resume their passionate interlude things really begin to steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her crotch. He then strikes a match and lites it on fire! Patting out the flames furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!!" "My name is Pierre, the french fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!".

Three Couples

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young, newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.


The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" the man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple
of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor. The man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right
there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

Little Boy Wakes

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well...I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Blond Driving

A blond is driving down a country road. She looks over to the right, and sees another blond, in a row boat, out in the middle of a field, rowing.

The first blond can't believe her eyes, stops the car, and gets out to look at the blond in the rowboat. The longer she looks, the madder she gets. Finally she says: "You know, it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. You're just sitting in the middle of a field in a row boat rowing. That's stupid. And if I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass."

Young Guy

A young guy goes into a bar and notices two attractive blondes sitting at the end of the bar. He tells the bartender, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

Bartender says, "It's your money, bud, but they're lesbians." "What's a lesbian?"
"Why don't you go over there and ask them?"

Young guy walks over to the women and says, "The bartender says you girls are lesbians. What's that?"

One of the girls answers politely, "Well . . . we like to kiss, rub and fondle each others breasts."

Young guy yells back to the bartender, "Hey, need three drinks here for us lesbians!"

Couple Aged 67

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointement, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

Man and Confessional

A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..."

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"

"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."

"Oh, is that all? Say five Hail Marys and may the Lord be with you."

The man replies, "But I really need to talk about it."

"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench.

"You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend, and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees."

"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried.

"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."

"That must have been when you cursed?"

"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out of the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth, landing 5 inches from the cup!"

"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.

"No, no.."

The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt."

Tony's Friend

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "you know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell-a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "they are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "you know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?'

Dirty Mind Test

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer, give yourself two points, for every incorrect answer deduct two points. Answer at bottom of page.

If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score less than 14 points and are female...send address and photos! You may begin... now!

Dirty Mind Test -CLUES

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in, I can produce pain. I cause you to spit, and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You like to blow me.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news.

11. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

13.My business is done in briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.

Dirty Mind Test - ANSWERS

END